Let's conduct a simple experiment.
For the next minute, don't think of a white bear waving its hand at you.
That wasn't too bad, was it? Let's try it for another two minutes. That white bear is waving its hand at you. Don't think about it at all.
Great! The white bear is cheering you on and want you to repeat it for one last time for 3 minutes. Don't think of a white bear waving its hand at you.
How did you do this time? If you gave it a try, there's a chance that we're both in the same boat. We can't help but to think of the white bear waving its hand at us. How cruel would it be not to wave back?
Here is what's happening behind the scene, at least for me.
When I was first asked not to think about the white bear, the easiest path is to consciously think about something else. But as the duration gets longer and I started losing focus, the subconscious process took over to ease my mental fatigue.
But in order for it to monitor and prevent me from thinking about the white bear, it had to first bring up the concept of a white bear to the surface. Thus, defeating the purpose of succeeding in the experiment in a rather swift manner.
The experience I described can be explained by the ironic process theory. You might be familiar with other terms like the pink elephant paradox or white bear phenomenon. Similar to what I shared, the theory suggested that any attempt to avoid or suppress a certain thought / feeling intentionally by an individual would produce a paradoxical effect.
To rub salt to the wound, your failed attempt amplifies them instead. Bummer.
Identified by social psychologist Daniel Wegner in 1987, his findings have since then guided clinical practice – that it's unproductive to try to suppress anxiety-producing or depressing thoughts.
I had to bring this up because the web is littered with articles and books that insist that you should never think about negative thoughts at all. Although I'm sure it's written with well intentions, it's a rather tall order. Not only is that impossible, it's just setting their readers up for failure.
You cannot "not think" about something. You cannot "not feel" about something. These are happening automatically outside of your control. In a situation that you deemed as negative, realize that what surfaced is a response to your interpretation of it. This, you have control over. You can choose to re-frame it to something more neutral or positive.
And instead of suppressing, learn to process them. Acknowledge them and recognize them for what they really are – feedback which you don't have to identify with. Mindfulness and meditation can help you with that.
Relax, accept what is and ease off from your inclination towards resistance for things that are unfavorable.
What you resist, persist.